Elephants

"I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet"

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs.

So after the last week of being stuck indoors I've lost my mind and have forced myself to venture out last night for the first time and ducked off to the cinema and watched GI JOE. All I am saying is don't waste your time, although it was good for me to get out of the house I feel that I could have been more productive with that time.

Had another massive session at the gym tonight, one of those workouts where I know that I am going to be hurting for days, my body is shaking again as I write this post.

I'll add more tomorrow for now it's time to hit the sack.

Holding onto my Sanity

So,

For certain reasons I've been housebound for the past few days, I've been really missing the sunshine and fresh air, not to mention that I am unable to visit my family over the Easter break,  but I am not letting it get to me.  At the moment I am not sure how much longer I am going to be stuck indoors, hopefully not too much longer.

On another note, a project that I have spent the last few months on has been destroyed and ruined at the hands of someone else. The past few days has not been great at all, but I am still keeping a positive mind frame about it. As I have managed to continue to keep with a floor exercise routine.

Demons

For a long time I've had the weight of guilt on my soul. I've got my regrets, looking back I know I made the best decisions possible with the information at hand. I know that at times I've been ruthless and even cold, because I've had to be. I also know that despite what's been done, I've done great things as well.

Today for the first time in so long I have been able to look back and smile at the differences that I've made to so many. I've paid my debt in guilt now it's time to move on. My soul contract is now clean.

I'm done with worrying about the past, It's time to work on the new leaving no stone unturned, nor possibility explored. I've been wild, I've been free, I've seen things that you wouldn't believe, I've seen and been the best and worst of humanity, I've laughed and cried, I've broke bread and drank wine, I've taken breath and been left breathless,  I've loved and been loved, I've hurt and been hurt, I've walked across deserts, I've sat on secluded beaches, I met someone who brought my soul back to life, I've traveled the world only to find you in the strangest of places.

Bone Chilling

WOW... That's all I've got to say,

"Worlds are turning and we're just hangin on, facing our fear and standing out there all alone. 

And yearning, and it's real to me. There must be someone who's feeling for me".

How far can I really go?

The answer to this is, "As far as I have to."

I've got my goals, I know what I want to achieve, and I know by doing what I am doing that I just might get there if I keep up the good work. I'll push myself as far as I need to get them.

Tonight I am making a bucket list of all the things that I want to do and hopefully this year I can start  crossing them off as I go along.

Monsters

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you."

I've gazed long into the abyss, and the abyss has gazed back into me. The truth is, I should not be alive. I should have died when I tried to take my life so long ago, I should have died so many times in the field, yet every time I have walked away unscathed, nothing more than a few scratches. I guess destiny has bigger plans for me. 

I now keep on pushing forward trying to find my path, living life to the fullest, making mistakes and learning from them. Sharing my successes and failures. Every time I fall I pick myself back up and dust myself off and try again, no longer trying to do things the same way and expecting a different result, but taking a different approach. Looking at things from a new perspective.

"I just wish you woulda reached out, I wish you woulda been round when I been down, I wish that you could see me now, Wherever you are I really hope you find peace."

I HEART GYM

You heard it. I HEART GYM.

After a few weeks of this I am feeling great. Getting definition back into my body, I have more energy, that furrow brow that I was developing is going away, and not to mention the sun I've been getting, I am loving the color that's back in my skin. I am more motivated than ever, but most of all I just feel great.

On another note I decided to dye my hair brown, as I felt like a change from my regular blonde. Only I ended up with something that resembles a dark mahogany/red. I like it though. My baby blue's are shining,

I am off for lunch with some friends on the beach tomorrow. I have to admit I've been looking forward to seeing them all week. It feels like it's been way too long.

Most of all right now, I am just loving the new me. I smile more, I am living healthier, eating right, sleeping right, not drinking, not smoking, I am more active in every part of my life. I used to be consumed with money, success and greed, but not for me, because i thought that's what someone else wanted in life, and I wanted to give to them. But in doing so I lost track of what was really important. The reality is I ended up becoming something/someone that we both didn't like, now all of that is not important to me. Yeah it's nice to have things and be able to do things, but it was all out of balance. I am attacking all my problems at once, and it appears to be working, I am starting to find that balance of physical, mental, emotional and spirituality.

I remember telling someone once that I was at my happiest when I was 21 in Thailand rock climbing on Ton-Sai beach living in a shack with no phone, and no outside world communication. Just me and my best friend. We would spend the mornings climbing and spend the afternoons playing frisbee  on the beach with the local Thai kids. We didn't have much, but they had so much less and were so happy. Those kids taught me a lesson in happiness that I have forgotten at times.

 

"Everywhere is freaks and hairies
Dykes and fairies, tell me where is sanity
Tax the rich, feed the poor
Til there are no rich no more.

I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you"

Why am I doing this?

Why am I doing this?

Writing this blog. I've thought about it long and hard over another session at the gym and here's what I came up with.

- I am doing this for me, to monitor my progress, and express my thoughts and feelings.
- I am doing this to help get my shit together and become a better person.
- I am doing this so I can look back and see how far I have come.
- I am doing this because I don't want to be like I was.
- i am doing this because i deserve to feel great.

Everyday gets a little easier, I have myself back into a routine of training, working, eating, training and socializing.  As long as I stick to the plan, I'll be moving in the right direction.

"I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like it's a big deal"

That's me I do wear my heart upon my sleeve, It means I'll get hurt sometimes. But it also means I put it all out there holding nothing back. Sometimes I'm intense, but that's just me. It also means I am there when it counts, through the good and the bad.

Laughter is the best medicine

This is true.

Thank you Trent for your never ending laughs.

Therapy Rocks!

So after another session on the couch I am feeling much better and still motivated to continue on my journey. Nothing easy is ever worthwhile. I am still taking it day by day and and really beginning to get my stride back and really looking forward to catching up with some friends and loved ones on the weekend. The positive attitude that I now have is such a welcome change.

"Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty but I'm smiling at everything."

Revenge is CRAP.

They say revenge is sweet, I say it's crap.

They say the best revenge is to look great, and be happy and show them what they're missing out on.
Screw that, revenge is crap. I am going to get myself looking great and happy and live life to the fullest for me. There's no revenge or malice involved in this just a new found lust for life.

Also therapy tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it, it's good to bounce off someone and let them provide advice to help me sort through my "stuff". Over the past few days, I've not been depressed it's a fantastic thing to begin to smile again. I've been out enjoying the sun getting color back into my skin.

P.S.

I may have been a "sinnerman"  in the past, but that's sure not going to be my future. "I'm not gunna run to anywhere:"

 Hope you enjoyed the tune peeps.

You could be Happy

This song is my song of the day.

The lyrics say it all, "You could be happy, and I won't know. But you weren't happy the day I watched you go. And all the things that I wish I had not said. Are played in loops "til it's madness in my head". Is it too late to remind you how we were".

I guess it is too late to remind you how things were, because they're different now. I'm different now and you're different now. I'm on a mission of improvement, positiveness, enlightenment and happiness. It's sad that it took what I lost to motivate me to do this. Perhaps this is what I was meant to learn from you, along with so many other things. I'm never going to say never, because I'd welcome you back into my life with open arms, but right now I need to focus on me, to be the person that I deserve to be and the person that you seen the potential for me to be.

If you ever read this, I hope that you're doing great and loving life.

"You could be happy, I hope you are. You made me happier than I'd been by far."

"Do the things that you always wanted to. Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do."

One thing I have learned in the last few weeks is to stop worrying about what I don't have and appreciate what I do have.

Yang to my Ying.

I could be the one to make you feel that way

"I could be the one to make you feel that way, I could be the one to set you free."

Maybe....

Time heals wounds, I feel like I've lost my best friend and partner in crime. I guess that's just a part of getting older. Things change, people grow in and out of each other, maybe one day, but that day is not today. I doubt that day will be for a long time, if ever after the way things have played out. This week has been good though, I have taken time off work and focused on getting me back to being me, in a state to improve myself and continue to keep on moving forward.


Someone once dedicated this song to me, because they thought I was amazing. I guess at the time I was everything she wanted and needed. I suppose over time things change and people need different things. It's always nice to remember how much that person thought of me though.

FREEDOM

So I am treating last night like a Godsend and wake up call, I was and still am very much under this persons spell. Now I've got the total mental and spiritual freedom to continue to move forward. I've apologized and expressed my guilt and offered a line of communication, the gesture was not well received, and that's okay. I've done all I can do regarding this matter. I can now start this new chapter of my life, I guess it's time to start to live my dreams and achieve my goals.

It's time to shine people.

Not really the answer I was looking for.

Well the picture is the answer to my last post

So I guess that ends that then.

I have to admit that I didn't see that coming, but I got the message. At least now I can move forward and not worry about a "what if". I tried and it didn't work out.

In honesty, I am not even that upset about it. I messed up, I was prepared for a negative response. So it's something that I can just wipe out of my life now and keep on moving forward. Either way, I have apologized for my actions, there's not much more I can do than that.

Reaching out for the first time, and making contact

So I've sent her an email apologizing to someone for my poor behavior and all I have put that person through. It's not easy for me to do this, to apologize and take responsibility for my behavior and attitude, but I have and it's another step in the right direction. I know everyone in life deserves a second chance, but the reality of this situation is that this would be my Third chance, so I know I don't really deserve this.

I've also mentioned that that person no longer wishes to speak with me that I'll accept it and move on. I guess however this turns out I'll get some closure on the subject and will be able to continue to move forward with my life..

As I have mentioned, I have came so far and still have so far to go. I can only hope that I get forgiveness and the air is cleared regardless of their decision to communicate with me or not.

I've done all I can do now, the rest is up to fate.

I'll let you know how it all goes.

Take care peeps.

Training Stuff

Rocky is still the man. Nothing motivates me to push harder than this guy.

"So what we'll be callin on is good ol fashion blunt force trauma.. Horsepower. Heave duty, cast iron, pole driving punches that will have to hurt so much they'll rattle his ancestors. Every time you hit him with a shot it's gotta feel like he tried kissing the express train.. Yeah, let's start buildin some hurtin bombs"

As long as my body is hurting I know I am progressing.

Selfless

I slept on last nights post. Am I selfish, and woke up with some clarity on the question.

The answer is yes I can be really selfish. And yes I can be really selfless.

I know at times the person in question came across as selfish, but I also seen a selfless caring side, one that gave when she did not have much to give and a determination that rivals my own.

Every day I am waking up more control over my emotions, and with more control over myself. I am beginning to smile and see the brighter side to life again. I have also learned that I should never try to change myself for anyone else, I should change myself for myself to feel better about me and who I am, and if it's done right that special someone else will see the greatness in you.

However this turns out. "I think every little thing's gonna be alright"

.

Selfish

Am I selfish?

This question has been on my mind for a while. And it's something that has been told to me in the past.  I asked a friend today and her answer was "I think everyone can be if they're with the wrong person, and sometimes with the right person, it's something that we all need to work on".

I think I can be a real selfish person at times, but at the same time giving. I guess I just hate giving when it's unappreciated and expected. I like to give from my heart as a sign of love and appreciation. To show someone that I care and want them to be happy. But what happens when you give and get nothing back, no thank you no appreciation?  Does that mean the recipient is selfish?

So often I give and do not expect anything back. But what happens when the recipient just keeps on taking and taking, no thank you, just give me, give me, give me.

I know the reason that I have set out to be better. But do I really want this person back in my life?
Someone who takes and gives very little back, at times emotionless, but then can so kind, caring and loving at other times. She's a double edged sword, champagne and razor blades.

I know I care about her and I know I want her in my life in one way or another. But at the same time I don't want to go back to the way things were before it ended. I guess I want things to be like they were when we first started, or even just to keep in touch once in a while and let each other live our lives and maybe just one day maybe in the future when all's settled down and we can appreciate each other look at the possibility of something more.

In the last few days I have came so far and I still have so far to go, every day bringing a new truth about myself and a new question about what I really want.

I guess I've still got a few weeks to go and so much more to learn about in my journey.

Mad World

I love this mix.

I love this video, it's my home.

It's a mad world. I used to try to make sense of it, until recently, now I am just living in it, embracing the chaos and riding this wave.

Someone special once told me I need to get "I live in the present" tattooed  on my wrist, It's not a bad idea I might just do that soon.

Whats something most people don't know about you?

Great question.

I've a submissive personality that I tend to hide and only show to the people I trust most in the world, I'm passive aggressive, I am assertive, I'm an introverted extrovert but people only get to see the extroverted side, I suffer from depression, I don't trust easily, I am modest, I don't like to take credit for selfless actions as I believe that the feeling I get from doing something good is its own reward, I keep on pushing forward because if I stop I am afraid I'll fade to nothingness, I once had a massive drug problem, I have a crass sense of humor where nothing is sacred.

Achieving the Impossible

Impossible.... Maybe, but I am achieving it. The recent change in my attitude towards life has left me feeling energized, happy and confident within myself less insecure and I have a feeling that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. It's sad it took a huge loss for me to have this wake up call. But lesson learned. I'm pushing forward now and taking steps in the right direction at every chance possible..

Try Harder

I'm working hard on getting better for me. It's strange not speaking to someone that I have every day over that last 12 months. It's strange how one person gave me so much joy and I took it for granted.  I wish I could have done a million things differently. So the plan for today is put my earphones in and go out and catch some sun, then hit the gym. I can feel the muscles ripping in my body already, the pain in my arms, shoulders and abs is a good sign. However this turns out in the end I know that I'll be better off after what I am doing.

So a few months ago she asked me to make her a mixed tape. I didn't do it. So I've decided to create her a youtube channel so she can have an ever growing mixed tape as a way to say "sorry".  Feel free to check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g12f7uDIGZc&list=PL5K31_UzsdGjoC5gXmishAqSK5_do1NB8

It might be to little to late though.


Rocky gives the best advice.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, it's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about hard you can hit, It's about hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. THAT'S HOW WINNING IS DONE! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But you've gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. COWARDS DO THAT AND THAT AIN'T YOU! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT".

Voodoo People

Today's choice of muscle ripping stress burning music is the Prodigy.  "Magic People Voodoo People".

Hard Sun

I love these lyrics, so relevant to me right now.

Music

For those of you who are reading my blog and progress, you will see lots of music videos and pictures. This is simply because music and art are huge parts of me, and sad to say that they are something that I have lost touch with. So I've been adding beats to this blog as I go along. Tonight I am off to a friends place to have a mix. Something that i have not done in months. Music runs through my veins and art lives in my soul. I hope i never forget about this gift again.

Peace out.

Things can only get better.

Things can only get better.

Ain't that the truth, and things will get better, things already are getting better. I know I've mentioned Blah Therapy in previous posts. I am really enjoying helping people with their head space. Some of things I am coming across are small problems right through to the more severe things in life. I feel some sense of happiness and self worth knowing that I have stopped someone from doing something really stupid. Or hearing another persons story of heartbreak and how they are dealing with it. But mostly I have found just listening to them helps the most, letting them vent and get whatever is bothering them off their chest. I feel that I am a better person because of it, I like the idea of a problem shared is a problem halved.

"I guess I'll just keep on keeping on!"

Please Forgive Me

I just love this song, It's everything i feel. "Feels like lightning running through my veins, every time I look at you". I love that verse, It's says so much. "I just can't tell you how good it feels, when you look at me that way".

Therapy II

So...

This morning was my first session of therapy.

It went well enough, talking through things with a professional is a great idea. I am feeling better after it. And I have been given a few tips to deal with my stresses. I won't go into detail too much, but I think I am going to keep on going for a while anyway to get the ball rolling and my emotions back in check. It was suggested that I go on anti-depressants, but I have disagreed, I just think what I am going through is something that I need to feel, it might hurt, but that's what emotions are for, I think if I numbed them that it would not help me learn to control them or express them properly. I am also preparing for the fact that she may not want me back in her life, that she may not care about me anymore, as this is a real possibility. Either way what I am doing here is positive, for myself and my future. Step by step day by day.

On another note,

My killer session at the gym has left me in a world of pain, good pain though. Today is going to be a long painful one, but I cam cool with that.

NO PAIN NO GAIN.

The Gym

Well that can only be described as a muscle splitting, bone crunching, emotion chewing experience. I loved it and I needed it! I know tomorrow I am going to be sore, I know I am going to feel pain, the kind of pain that I love. Knowing that this kind of pain brings improvement, my arms are shaking as I write this, trying to recover from the workout that I have just been through. There's just something special to me about the gym as I start working out, grabbing the iron bar and pushing through my routine, I start to think and work through the problems that I am having until I have burned myself out and am running on nothing but pure emotion, leaving nothing but truth at the end.

The Truth I discovered tonight is. This needs to happen, this break may even be forever. All I can do is my best and hold my head up with pride and dignity and hope that she sees that guy she once cared for and thought the world of so long ago before things turned South, where my insecurities began to show leading to selfish irrational actions of despair. That is not the guy who I am, that is not the guy who I am going to be again. That's someone that I have never been before and I will never be again.

On another note regarding quitting smoking, after my last post I discovered that one side of my family is currently riddled with breast cancer both male and female, a scary thought and one more reason to get rid of those things once and for all. I know I can do it, I've done it before. The way I see this is every time I quit I get better at quitting. This time is going to be forever.

I've got my first therapy session tomorrow. I am not sure what to expect, I am a little scared and nervous about it. But alas I know this needs to happen. It's time to toughen up and do what needs to be done.

Wish me luck!!

Therapy

So as a part of dealing with my problems and depression and emotional un-stability and a million other things regarding the mess that I am right now, I have booked in to see a therapist. I am a little nervous to be honest but I really think that I need to show improvement in a big way not just for her, but for myself,

I think that by doing this I will be taking a step forward in the right direction. I have really enjoyed helping people on "Blah Therapy" as well as its given me a new outlook on life, and by doing this I am feeling better about myself by being able to help these people in some small way.

I've also decided that tonight is quit smoking night. Well as soon as I finish this pack. I'll also be going to the gym for my first hard work out in months. Tomorrow I am going to be sore but this is a routine that I need to get back into. I miss being fit and healthy. I'll be updating this blog with images of my changing body over the next few months and weeks so I can see the progress made.

"Wont back down"

I just love this song. It's everything I am and everything I want to be. I'll been to hell and back and I am not going to give up on happiness. "Gotta keep positive". If things don't work out at least i can say I gave it my all.

New Day

So recently I've been pretty down. I mean it happens to everyone from time to time.

I've spent the last few days moping about feeling sorry for myself, crying, I've not been able to eat, to the point that some serious depression kicked in and some bad thoughts started dancing about my mind. Luckily I reached out to someone through Blah Therapy, and this anonymous Angel saved my life. Now apart from myself being a serious mess, I actually now log onto this site as an listener and provide help and advice to those who are in the darkest of places, and trust me when i say this things could have been worse for me. I can only hope that I am giving the help back to people that that Angel gave to me. By doing this I actually feel like I am helping myself as well by helping others with their situation. I love the irony as well..... You know one mess of a person actually giving advice to others. But in most cases we end up helping each other out.

Last night i decided that I can't go on like this, I mean fade away into nothingness. So I stomached my first meal in days and decided a few things.

1. I need to make a few real improvements in myself as I dropped the ball big time.

2. I am going to write this blog and share my life with the world, the good and bad.

3. No more feeling sorry for myself

4. I deserve to be happy and will be

So here's what I am going to do.

1. Quit feeling sorry for myself, I am only a victim of my own actions.
2. Time to stop worrying about what I can't change and focus on what I can.
3. Focus on other aspects in my life
- Getting fit and healthy and looking good again
- Focus on my career and get that ball rolling again
- Work on myself, my insecurities and poor behavior.
4. Find some productive ways to vent my frustrations and anger.
5. Take control of my emotions.

It's not going to be easy and I may not be successful, but I have to try,  I am not going to live my life wondering "what if". It's going to be a day by day process sometimes I'll be up other times I'll be down. I just hope that those who read this will comment provide advice and hopefully learn a few things to help themselves as well.