The Ultamatum II

So after the deletion of my life from hers, she is back again. I am not sure why, things are not the same. We know we have nothing but time to work this mess out. But I have to ask myself if I really want to go through all of this again and work this out, am I willing to forgive and forget, am i going to be her priority or am I going to be a second choice.

"I can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or I can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."  - Tupac Shakur

I can feel the world spinning ’round 

Do you feel it?

Before every day comes a night
But if you’re blinded by the light
You can’t see anything in sight
Sit tight sit tight it’ll be alright

 

              Nothing is like it was. The question I need to ask is "Are things going to be better?"

Oh I also made a tumblr account, feel free to visit me there for a visual representation of whats going on in my life 

Tumblr Blog 

The Ultamatum

So it's been another interesting week in my life.  Someone who I once fought with everything I had and am to keep in my life has now left it. I am still unsure if this is a good thing or not. Some nasty accusations were made and I was actually innocent. Looking back to what was said about this situation I had everything to lose and nothing to gain if I did what I was suspected of. The end result is whoever did it actually cost me someone very special and important.

I had to give the ultamatum of, either you trust me and we keep on moving forward together or leave me and erase me from your life. I guess she didn't believe the truth and now I am minus one. I guess my loss is someone elses gain. I can only hope karma steps in and gives me some love on this one.

Bang Bang you shot me down

Bang Bang I hit the ground.

Lessons Learned

Wow, last week was a full on adventure...

So some bad decisions were made last week, enough said on that. I have walked out of that sticky situation a little wiser, stronger and smarter. I hit highs and lows, learned how far I can really push myself when I think I don't have a choice. I also leaned that I always have a choice, even when I think I don't.

I also learned my worth.

I am worth it. I push harder than the next guy because I know what I want and I am willing to go the distance if for it. But I know I am no longer going to make anyone in my life a priority if they can't do the same for me.

Either way even though this week was a tough week, I've learned so much about myself and at least some good has came out about it.

Catch you all soon peeps.

Did I Make You Fucking Dance?

After I die, I’ll reawake

Redefine what was at stake

From the hindsight of a god

I’ll see the people that I used

See the substance I abused

The ugly places that I lived

Did I make money, was I proud?

Did I play my songs too loud?

Did I leave my life to chance

Or did I make you fucking dance?

Chances are I made you dance at least once, you've seen the substances that I've abused, I've made money and I've been proud and yes I played my songs too loud. Still working out what I want every day, and working it out step by step.

For the last Two nights I've had the same visitor in my dreams, an African Shaman that I met many years ago. I must admit that I spent Two months hanging out with him in a remote village eating and smoking natural entheogens, after an experience like that a close bond was formed. Anyway in my dream last night he was tapping my shoulder with a big stick which was dislocated at the time when I met him and asking me the question "What are you?" and "What do you want?" each time I answered with "I do not know" and he replied by hitting my shoulder harder with the stick and asking the questions again. This process repeated until the pain was to much to bare and I awoke frustrated with these questions firm in my mind.

What do I want?

I've asked this question over and over and I have came to the conclusion of what I truly want, now It's just a case of working out if the other party involved wants the same things as I do.

"What do you want
What do you want that you cannot say
Show us the faith we're supposed to display"

As for what I am

I am still working on that, for now I guess "I am what I am"

"Stop trying to change me
I am what I am
No I don’t need you to save me
I am what I am
I don’t want you to show me
Because I stand where I stand
I just need you to know me
Just know who I am"

Elephants

"I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet"

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs.

So after the last week of being stuck indoors I've lost my mind and have forced myself to venture out last night for the first time and ducked off to the cinema and watched GI JOE. All I am saying is don't waste your time, although it was good for me to get out of the house I feel that I could have been more productive with that time.

Had another massive session at the gym tonight, one of those workouts where I know that I am going to be hurting for days, my body is shaking again as I write this post.

I'll add more tomorrow for now it's time to hit the sack.

Holding onto my Sanity

So,

For certain reasons I've been housebound for the past few days, I've been really missing the sunshine and fresh air, not to mention that I am unable to visit my family over the Easter break,  but I am not letting it get to me.  At the moment I am not sure how much longer I am going to be stuck indoors, hopefully not too much longer.

On another note, a project that I have spent the last few months on has been destroyed and ruined at the hands of someone else. The past few days has not been great at all, but I am still keeping a positive mind frame about it. As I have managed to continue to keep with a floor exercise routine.

Demons

For a long time I've had the weight of guilt on my soul. I've got my regrets, looking back I know I made the best decisions possible with the information at hand. I know that at times I've been ruthless and even cold, because I've had to be. I also know that despite what's been done, I've done great things as well.

Today for the first time in so long I have been able to look back and smile at the differences that I've made to so many. I've paid my debt in guilt now it's time to move on. My soul contract is now clean.

I'm done with worrying about the past, It's time to work on the new leaving no stone unturned, nor possibility explored. I've been wild, I've been free, I've seen things that you wouldn't believe, I've seen and been the best and worst of humanity, I've laughed and cried, I've broke bread and drank wine, I've taken breath and been left breathless,  I've loved and been loved, I've hurt and been hurt, I've walked across deserts, I've sat on secluded beaches, I met someone who brought my soul back to life, I've traveled the world only to find you in the strangest of places.